Rule 8 of 17 · Chapter II — The Conversation
Hold your opinions firmly and your grip on them loosely
Why this rule exists
Now for a paradox so sophisticated it once made me lie down: have actual opinions, and also be willing to be wrong about them. The temptation is to treat a date as a contest of correctness, to win the little debate about the film or the politics or the best way to cook an egg, and to mistake the winning for connection. But nobody has ever fallen for someone across a table they just decisively defeated. Being a person with genuine views is attractive, wishy-washy agreement is dull, but being someone who can hold a view and still hear another with grace is the rarest and most magnetic thing of all. Curiosity about how they think beats the hollow trophy of proving them wrong.
In practice
Say what you actually believe rather than focus-grouping your answers to match whatever you think they want; the right person is drawn to a real you, not a mirror. When you disagree, get curious instead of combative, and ask why they see it that way before mounting your defence. Notice the difference between a lively, warm disagreement, which is delicious, and a need to win, which is poison. You can hold your ground on things that matter to you while still granting that a decent, intelligent person might land somewhere else. Aim to understand, not to conquer, and let being changeable-when-wrong be part of your charm rather than a weakness to hide.
When it doesn't apply
Open-mindedness is not spinelessness. Some things, how you are treated, your core values, whether they are kind to the waiter, are not up for a jolly debate, and noticing a real red flag is not being closed-minded. Hold loosely on tastes; hold firmly on values.